The Forbidden Conversation

I was going to share this sooner but as they often do, other things demanded my attention.

Last summer of 2018 I had another experience unlike any other that left me shaken up.

I was battling a pulsating headache, trying to get some sleep through the constant throbbing. I wasn’t fully asleep yet but everything went black. I found myself surrounded by darkness. Straining to see, I started to hear at least 2-3 males talking somewhere not far from where I was. I couldn’t make out the words being said no matter how much I tried. Then all of a sudden it was as if I was noticed and the talking abruptly stopped. I couldn’t see anything or anyone but sensed something come up to me. I felt I was being watched and observed. By who I don’t know. A deep male voice spoke up and said “the devil has entered your life”. Confused and startled, I fought back saying, NO NO NO! I snapped out of whatever I was in and it was daylight.

I’m not sure what to think of any of it. All I know is I wasn’t welcome wherever that was.


Shadow People

From what I know about shadow people, they are in fact ancient and have little to no bounds, showing up wherever whenever they please. Some want to be noticed while others prefer to lurk unseen. I personally believe they have easier access to us when we are asleep solely because our spiritual ego is temporarily off guard and there are no daily life distractions. I never thought I’d see one wide awake but clearly I was wrong.

Three years ago now, during the summer, my cousin and I were at the kitchen table waiting for takeout. It was close to 11 that night. I was facing the sliding glass door leading to our backyard and saw something extremely dark pass by directly in front of it unnaturally fast. I was so focused in that direction, I had enough time to get a good look at it. It wasn’t any normal shadow or animal. There was absolutely nothing outside that could have caused a tall solid black mass. I kind of wish that I caught it on camera but there is no way you can catch these things unless you’re already recording, expecting. I have never seen anything like it in all the years I’ve lived there. I must have had a stunned expression on my face because my cousin spoke up and said did you see that too? I asked her what she saw to make sure it wasn’t just my eyes playing tricks on me. I haven’t seen it since nor do I hope to. I barely look outside when it’s dark anymore and I know better than to pursue or interact with something I don’t fully understand.


Sometimes I wonder if the unknown observes us more than we observe it without us knowing. Scratch that, I know it does.

Are lucid dreams truly safe?

This is a painful subject for me to relive but I want to get it out of my system once more. I’m going to start with the backstory because it plays a huge part.

I had a cat I named Fluffy. I was 8 years old when I picked him out of a group of kittens. While the others were playing I saw another kitten on a different side of the room completely alone for some reason. I held him in my arms and knew he was the one I wanted to take home. We grew up together and he lived up to my 23rd birthday. As he got to an old age, I know he wasn’t feeling well but I wasn’t prepared for how his life would come to an end.

That day began like any other until I heard my cat cry out from my bedroom. My grandma told me something appeared to be wrong so I immediately went to check on him. I called my sister and asked her to examine him since I couldn’t. We noticed he wasn’t able to stand up on his back legs and dragged them behind him. It was extremely hard to watch him struggle and it took everything in me to hold myself together.

My aunt drove him to the vet because her husband’s brother is a veterinarian. I hoped there was something they could do to help and he would come home but we got a call saying he was paralyzed from a blood clot. It was highly unlikely he would recover due to his age and the best thing to do in that situation was put him to sleep. I didn’t want to let him go without getting to say goodbye and telling him I love him but I couldn’t let him suffer either. My family buried him by our house. My heart never felt heavier and a dark cloud hovered over me for days.

Here’s where it ties in with the lucid dream. A few weeks later I dreamt that I was in our family room and I looked out the window like I usually do. Instead of seeing the grass, trees, and the normal outside all I saw were clouds and a big blue sky. I was very confused but as soon as I turned away and saw my cat Fluffy sitting by the kitchen table looking at me, I completely forgot how unusual this all was. He was so vibrant and had a golden glow. Relief and comfort coated me like a blanket I was so happy to see him. Next thing I know, my mom is there and as I get comfortable she  looks at me concerned. She asks if I’m okay and the moment I open my mouth to say yes why, something frightening happened. It was as if my soul was being forced back into my body. That’s the only way I can think of to describe it. I woke up feeling myself gasp for air and my lungs inflating back up. I had stopped breathing at one point. It really worried me but after that, my heart felt a little lighter and the dark cloud dissipated. I was still grieving of course but it was bearable than before. I could see the light again.

If that wasn’t some sort of lucid dream, I don’t know what it was. It wasn’t like anything I have ever experienced. The one thing I do know is, lucid dreaming does have its risks. Especially when you’re spiritually sensitive and/or if you have lucid dreams often, there’s a chance something horrifying will intervene.

About a month later I was in a hallway of a house I didn’t recognize with no idea how I got there. As I’m trying to figure it out a terrifying looking woman with wild shoulder length hair wearing a dress, comes around the corner and chases me. I run into the first room I see and try to shut the door but she’s too fast and strong. I’m trapped, scared out of my mind she’s going to hurt me or worse. She comes closer, stops, and starts talking to me. I can’t remember what she was saying. As she is going on about something, not knowing how to react, I ask her to please let me go 3 times and I finally wake up.

It was like something from the Insidious movie. The part that stood out the most in that nightmare was the music I heard the second she showed up. It sounded like the insanest nerve wrecking rock music I have heard in my life and didn’t even know was possible. Thankfully nothing like this had reoccurred since.

Is the hat man real?

DBE9EE0C-A10A-4BD3-A47B-AA9FA9181661I had a somewhat similar nightmare as I did when I was a child but much more intense. I found myself sitting up in my bed again and I was being attacked by something I couldn’t see. The window curtains were violently swaying back and forth and I was levitating off my bed. I didn’t understand what was going on and desperate to make it stop, searched for a prayer in my head. The first one that immediately came to mind was Michael the archangel. To my surprise the chaos calmed down but as soon as I looked up there was a 6 ft tall solid black figure darker than the darkness in my room, wearing what looked like a hat and trench coat standing at the foot of my bed. I was in disbelief at what I was seeing. I couldn’t hear him speak but I got a message telepathically saying that nobody can help me. He stood there for what felt like a minute or two longer and disappeared.

I tried to make sense of it that morning. I remembered I went to sleep with my new cross earrings that night, which I’d never done before. That and the fact it was my 23rd birthday made me wonder if that set me up for a spiritual attack. Something told me to google the hat man. What I discovered blew my mind. There was a lot that popped up about him, confirming my subconscious didn’t make him up. He’s usually known to stand at the foot of the bed watching you and he seems to feed off fear. There are many theories about who he is and what his intentions are but the truth remains a mystery.

Is he a negative demonic type entity? Did he mean me harm? Why does he wear a hat and trench coat like he’s someone important? Why am I sitting up in my bed EVERY TIME I see these entities? All I have are my own theories and a lot of unanswered questions.

This book may have to be my next read.


The following video addresses what shadow people most likely are, where they come from, and the best way to protect yourself.

The importance of speaking up for yourself

I went to my appointment at the MDA clinic in Northwestern Memorial Hospital and I told my neurologist/MD doctor about the reoccurring neck, muscle, jaw, and severe head pain I have been having. I explained all of my symptoms and she was attentive but had a hard time understanding exactly what I was experiencing. She was convinced my pain and head pressure had something to do with my breathing and carbon dioxide build up, so she ordered a blood gas test. I said I highly doubted that was the cause but decided to confirm it instead of letting that question hang in the air. I had to be poked 2 times but I proved that theory to be wrong. My lungs’ ability to move oxygen into the blood and remove carbon dioxide was stable.

Sometimes we have to be stubborn with our doctors because the last thing we need is the wrong diagnosis to what ails us. If something doesn’t add up, speak up! They’re not perfect and don’t know everything. Only we know our body’s pains.

Since nobody seems to know anything, I did my own research. After A LOT of googling the closest I’m dealing with sounds like an atlas misalignment, not a migraine. My next stop will be the chiropractor as soon as I get up the strength to leave my house. I need answers. Constant pain you don’t know what to do about, anxiety, and depression is no joke. It’s worse and discouraging when no one understands.


Dealing with chronic pain 

On top of my muscles being weak, I have been struggling with severe head pain. It gets so bad I cannot function at all.  I can’t even lay down and sleep because of the constant aching throbbing pain that starts at the back of my head and seems to get worse every passing second followed by extreme pressure which almost feels like someone is crushing my skull with their hands as hard as they can. I get waves of nausea varying in intensity. Like that isn’t scary enough I also get intensely dizzy, my hands go numb and feel as if they’re vibrating at the same time. If it hurts really badly, pain killers don’t help. The only thing that offers a little relief is a head massage and my breathing mask. The torment lasts for hours. There’s no way out until it subsides on its own and once it does get better I need a while to recover and get my strength back. If I don’t listen to my body and rest, it comes back with a vengeance. I have experienced many types of headaches including carotid artery dissections, but nothing close to this. It’s stressful and draining beyond belief but no matter how tough it can be, I must continue functioning as much as I can and keep going. Resilience is the only way to survive and not completely crumble for every one of us.

Life’s Mysteries


I’m a firm believer certain dreams/nightmares mean something and in rare cases may warn you of what to expect later in life. I vividly remember my very first nightmare from when I was only 4 years old.

It began as a dream that quickly turned sinister. I saw an isolated doll carriage. Being a small child and naturally curious, I walked up to look inside. As I got closer a hand flew out and pulled me in with such force I had no time to react. I woke up traumatized, not knowing what that was about.

Today, I believe that nightmare symbolized and predicted my future. I always felt I was weaker than everyone around me but I didn’t see my life in a wheelchair coming.

img_1301(The doll in the picture represents me as no longer mobile and the dominos represent the escalation of events in my life.)
I don’t have a single recollection of having any other nightmares prior to that one and I don’t recall having any others until exactly 3-4 years later. I was already living in the U.S. As I was growing up I had countless nightmares. Most of them were the common type that everyone has, like falling, having the walls closing in on you, and getting chased by someone. This didn’t compare.

I was not older than 6-7 years old when I had the nightmare I’ll never forget. I was sitting up in bed not sure why I was awake because I knew I had been asleep just a minute ago. I was looking around my old bedroom and a black massed figure caught my eye. I froze not believing my vision. He sat on the floor directly in front of my door. His head was bowed down and he was completely still. I tried not to move and breathe, terrified he would lift his head and look up. It felt like I sat there a long time staring at whatever it was. I remember closing my eyes in hope he would be gone when I opened them. Next thing I know it’s light out and the figure is no longer there. I ran to my mom’s room to tell her someone had been in my room. She told me it was just a bad dream and I pushed it out of my mind telling myself the same thing. I was so aware and conscious, after all these years I remember that night like it was yesterday.

As I got older I heard of the shadow people phenomenon and attempted to figure out what my childhood nightmare meant if anything. I found that if a child sees a black figure, it usually serves as a warning. The warning is normally a rough road ahead of endless struggles, which unfortunately has not been wrong.

It’s also possible I’m a sensitive/intuitive and I have been blocking it out. Sensitive is a catch all term for people with different levels of abilities. Intuitive is when you know things but don’t know how. Every once in a while something comes through that can’t be explained or easily dismissed. I will share more of my experiences in the near future.

Who am I?

The idea of sharing my life via blog had crossed my mind numerous times but for many reasons I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Mainly I wasn’t sure where/how to start, I didn’t feel comfortable enough putting my life online, and maintaining a blog requires commitment.
I decided to give it a try and see how it goes.
First, an introduction. I’m 28, Russian, and my name is Elina. (Pronounced El-ee-na). I was born in Samara, Syzran, and lived in a couple other places before I moved to the U.S. when I was 5. My life is different than the average person’s. I have a form of Muscular Dystrophy which I don’t have the official name of. I haven’t been officially diagnosed. It’s strange because everyone that I know of with M.D have had a name to match since they were kids. Like SMA, Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Mine however, is still unclear. I need more tests done.
For those who are not familiar, Muscular Dystrophy affects almost all the muscles in your body. The severity also varies from person to person. It can start at a very young age or when you’re older. I started showing symptoms at 2-3 years old.
The strengths and abilities you may have had once, like standing, walking, even eating and breathing on your own, eventually get taken from you. I used to be able to do all the above.
The most basic tasks that you’re still able to do take a greater amount of effort. For me, just typing this literally makes me feel like I did intense exercises for 5 hours straight.
Don’t ever take a person fighting M.D for granted. Everything that’s done takes true strength no matter how small.